jamEs

we will forever be known as JAMS, but JAMES just sounds nicer la..

=D

toughy

it's been a rough few months. and it's caused a lil' friction here and there.

i'm grateful for the chances that i'm being shown and i'm trying to maintain the open-ness of every part of me. (from the eyes to the heart to the mind, etc etc etc..) i'm wondering if this renewed fondness for music that makes me wanna sleep is due to any of these.

but that aside, i'm just questioning myself over and over. God has been showing me more ever since and it makes me wonder why i even shut Him out for those moments in time. its almost as though i needed something huge to remind me of His grace. unsurprisingly, that slap; cold shower; wake-up call came. perhaps earlier than i expected but impactful all the same.

and it really made me realise the neglection i've given to the people i love and the hurt and grief i've caused them. only then, did i actually understand how much they meant to me. especially, you, you, you, you and you (for objectivity issues, i rather not mention names, though if you do approach me, i might tell whether its you, element of suspense that way =p). you may or may not know who you are, but you are the ones whom i undeniably caused the most harm to in the course of my actions. sorry? i dont believe it's even purposeful enough to be used here simply as a word. my actions will speak louder. i've prayed about it and i know what has to be done, i'm just hoping you (X5) see it.

1 little baby step at a time.

spence

from jams to jams

jams don't know if jams can make it better,

All jams know is jams'll be around,

Tell jams everything you need

now anything at all

and jams'll be the one whos

waiting anytime you fall.

from jams to jams

Untitled

you know it's ended when you can think of no more excuses to explain your actions.

its just here one day and gone another.

i feel so damned selfish.

gone.

why do babies cry?

why do babies cry? they cry to gain attention so tt ppl will come to help them. why do ppl show tt they are sad? subconsciencely, its to signal for help too.

but sometimes, ppl give out such a signal, when when help comes, they refuse it. i dun understand. love ones and friends who care so much wan to help, yet they can do nth becoz their charity is rejected.

everyone goes thru ups and downs. Jesus even said tt tribulations in life will be inevitable. and tts why theres the church! iron sharpens iron. when you fall, you have friends to pick you up. but why refused their help? arogance? is tt wad it is? i tell you, everyone has their own fair share of burdens. cast them unto Jesus, for He cares for you. its so simple. He is your shelter. you helper and comforter in times of need. do not refuse Him for He is your greatest help.

i so wan to help you. will you share your burdens with me? i noe i may not be able to help, but its always nice to noe tt someone is there cheering you on. praying for you. let me be the one to pick you up. Jesus thru me.

Jams.

blue mondays

mummy gave me a long pep talk on monday to quell my inner demons and satiate the longing need for an intellectual talk with someone.

her words remain as a constant reminder to the surreal presence of His hand in my life today without forgetting the past i was removed from.

i havent been very honest of late. i've been keeping too many details from too many people. there was an initial surge of guilt, but i've come to terms with it, realizing that there's no obligation whatsoever to tell people who actually ask. in fact, there isnt even a need to do so, since it doesnt benefit any purpose, whether in me or in the latter party's.

what mummy told me was right. and it sounds naive on my part, but i was unable to discern between the trustworthy and the non. je suis fatigue.

darryl d once told us this during a lecture, ' when i first stepped into this lecture theatre, a already gave you my trust. you never had to earn it, you already had it. someone had to take the initiative in this whole issue of trust, and all i want to say is, why not you? '

bless his merry soul, his words, stuck like glue in my head, continue to resonate everytime i meet someone new. its not about placating a person or saying nice flowery, honeyed words. but its a matter of being sincere, being honest and being open in heart and in mind.

some may ask, who am i to speak about values, and frankly, i cant tell you who i am or any credentials that i have, just that i am spencer. period.

is opinion still entertained?

you know how restaurants and service-based industries always say 'we welcome your feedback!' - how true is that? having dealt with evaluation and feedback forms before, i say its crap. if the comments are good, we smile and frame them up to prove our service. if they suck, we curse the fella who wrote it and chuck them into the bin..

but is it similar when we take comments/criticism from others? are we really ready for that point of frankness and honesty? i don't really dare to answer that.

i wonder if giving my opinion to matters really is for the best or is it just a bestial annoyance to others.

i feel like a feedback form being torn through and through..

s

struggle

why is life so full of that one word?

the struggle for freedom, the struggle to be understood, the struggle to me who we are, the struggle to find meaning to life, etc,etc,etc.

don't we ever get tired of it? i've never felt so drained in such a long time. and it's not just the soccer fix that is getting to me, but i think my mind is back to working overtime again and i'm not used to it. yet.

i've suddenly got this verbal constipation now. weird because i never seem able to shut up these days. i seem to drone on about something or another. i wonder how the people around me can take it. just ask me to shut up, really, please.

God has his funny ways, even in a soccer field, empty and seemlingly lifeless. but really, i never thought it possible till He showed me the way..

i need to sleep. i'll continue on this post tomorrow..

spence

for fun

ooohh.. self proclaimed hypocrisy..

i like.

spence